But I couldn’t do it..

But I couldn’t do it..

I feel awful about myself. My friend’s parents hate me and I have never felt more judged. I’ve never felt more defiled, and discriminated for being Mexican. They don’t like me because I’m bony? Because I slouch a little? I blink too much? I have ocd. I try eat a lot, but I just can’t gain the weight. I feel so low, and worthless. I never knew racism until now, and it’s just awful. All my insecurities being brought out, I’m not such a bad person, I have manners and most adults seem to like me, if they would only give me a chance.

I just needed to write this out and my sadness

I’m don’t cuss, I don’t do drugs, I don’t drink, I’m a virgin, which I think should be a given, but yet I’m being counted as a no-good Mexican. I’m just gonna cry it out and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow, God willing, will be better

It’s only been the first week of Sophomore year, and I’m already sick of it.

I’m so happy for this 3 day weekend. People are such douche bags. I deal with them at least 4 times a day, drumline, work at break, biology, and work at lunch. Biology is so mean to me and I really don’t think the teacher cares for me. I was confident at the beginning of the week, and it deeply decreased to today. I wanted to cry after the football game in band when I was putting my instrument away and Kevin hit me and I was already tired and that really just pissed me off, so I ran to hit him (wish I could have hit him harder) and this stupid stuck up junior there got mad and said to grow up, and so did this kid Chris, and it just really pissed me off. This week has been crap, and I just finally broke then.

I cried when I was in the shower and laying on my bed, I still feel like crying, but I can’t cry, I literally can’t, and I wanted to so I could get rid of this feeling and just let this week go. Drumline this freshman girl is mean to this freshman boy who just was singing to himself, and so is Chris sometimes, and it just pisses me off. Like leave him alone, sure he’s a lot weird, but I’m weird too, just eff off. It makes me so mad. And I’ve talked to the kid they’re always mean to before, and he’s pretty decent, just outcast-ed because he’s one of those really weird kid’s, but he’s a decent soul. Next time, I know I have to stand up for him, just when it happened earlier I was just upset. But after them getting mad at me trying to hit Kevin I’m pissed. And too much to write and emotions and blah. But biology sucks too, and these kids are slyly mean to me. Then work is just awful with a bunch of idiots, and rude people. And I hate it. How am I going to survive this high school year? :(

My mom took my phone away right now.

I guess it’s fair, because I just left when she was talking to me and my sister, but she asked how I felt about drum line rehearsal tomorrow, trying to be a concerned mother or whatever, and I told her an honest answer, I felt nervous, scared. Then she tells me, “Well you had 2 years to prepare for this, I don’t think you’re committed. I don’t think you really like band.” So I went to my room because she was just telling me what like, like I don’t know what I like , and she said it just “seems” to her that I’m not committed, but how would she know? She doesn’t know how I feel, she just wants to be rude and tell me this and make me feel more about tomorrow. I just don’t think I was in the wrong. I guess it was fair she took my phone, I made he upset that I just left, but I couldn’t take anymore of her judgement, I know how I feel. She was just making me feel like crap. Like I don’t deserve to do band, that I shouldn’t do it, and it just bugs me. Where’s my support? I don’t know. I just felt less than when she was telling me that. And we were just discussing why I walk away from her in stores, because she does this. Or my sister just nags on about my wrongs, WHEN SHE’S NO BETTER!! It’s not fair. I’m just trapped. They don’t get it. They don’t get me.

In my house all my that my family does is,

criticize me, make me feel like crap, call me dumb, ask how I get good grades, get called lazy, and called ugly.

I know they’re just kidding sometimes, but it hurts when you’re being told that all the time. They even said I probably cheat to get good grades. You know how much that hurt? All my hard work and I don’t even get the credit? It hurts me everyday. But I don’t count. They always do this to me. I’m just tired of it. When they tell me that I know they mean some of it, like me being lazy, and dumb. I know I’m lazy, but I’m not dumb :(

I just wish they understood. My dad kinda does, somehow when he’s always there I don’t get in so much trouble with my mom and sisters, but he does cause some of the emotional damage. I just hate being pointed out all my wrongs everyday when my sister’s a pothead, my mom, well she’s trying to stop drinking, but she’s so rude sometimes to me like times like these, like I’m not good enough but somehow my stupid older sister, a pothead, is.(but my parents of course, don’t know she is one) My dad yells and calls me names sometimes, my two sisters gang up on me sometimes, my older sister always yells and tells me how horrible I am and says I’m not responsible, BUT SHE IS?!? My little sister yells and acts like a brat sometimes, but it seems like its only to me, but yet I let her go on my computer the most, and try to comfort her, and make her feel better when my older sister just goes far on her, but yet my little sister is the “good child.” I honestly don’t believe my family has a good child.

But whatever, writing this made me feel better.

Thanks tumblr, and I just got my phone back while I was writing the end of this. My older sister came into my room and put it by me and left.

And I will most likely feel like crap like this again tomorrow. Whoopy.

It’s an endless cycle, my family. Including me, I’m probably the worst. I think I can change but I never do. But I will keep on trying to, as long as God never gives up on me, and he never will. ♥

sweetdeejay:

Please take what You need, You’ll be Happier you did <3 

sweetdeejay:

Please take what You need, You’ll be Happier you did <3 

I don’t know her anymore

It was bad enough finding out my sister drinks and snuck out when she was at her friend’s sleepover to go to a “B.p.” And then to suddenly find out she’s bi, then now she smokes? Where’s my sister at? Where’s my older sister that I knew when we were kids? My sister knows better. My sister listened to my dad, I don’t know this sister anymore. I don’t know who she is. She’s 16 and a half and I can only imagine when she finally turns 18 and she can make her ears big like she always says she’s gonna do because at 18 our parents can’t say anything. I’m scared for when she turns 18. Then I will have completely lost my sister. I always thought her cussing was bad, and wanting to get a nose piercing, I didn’t even care if she would, but my parents wont let her, and even if she got her gauges I wouldn’t care. But she knows she shouldn’t damn drink and smoke. I can just imagine her at 18. Nose pierced, big ears, lesbian girlfriend, drinking, smoking, I won’t even know her by then. She’ll be completely gone from the sister I thought I knew. It’s just making me cry to think that. I think about it all the time. I know she know’s it’s bad. But when I even ask her sometimes where she’s gonna go even, she says, “Why? Are you my mom?” No, I just care about you. I can’t even ask where she’s gonna go, if I told her anything she would just say, “Oh, this is why I don’t tell you anything.” I despise who she’s becoming. It’s against all my morals and it should be against her’s too because this is what we grew up learning. And I don’t get how she doesn’t want my mom to drink, but now she freakin does? Even though she says she only drinks things that taste good and won’t be like my mom, the thought of her driving soon, I’m scared that my family might get a call saying she’s dead one day. I hate my mom’s drinking. It kills me everyday, now my sister? Just put me to rest. I’m so lost in my family’s troubles. If I lose everyone in my family to their faults and mistakes, I refuse with everything in my soul to let my little sister take the same path. I refuse it. I already put it in her head like mine, not to cuss. Especially since she’s gonna barely be in 6th grade and I know stupid kids at her age already do and it makes them seems dumb. Yeah, I say damn and hell, but I didn’t til’ I was in the second half of 7th grade and hell I didn’t say til second half of 8th grade. I don’t say anything else, and I don’t believe damn is a bad word if crap isn’t. I just hate how my sister is, it’s killing me and I don’t know what to do anymore, my parents don’t know of any of this either. What can I possibly do?

The guy I’ve been talking about that broke my heart on June 7 likes someone new and it’s only been 7 days.

Good news, I think I just may become friends again with my old best friend who I haven’t even spoken to for months.

Bad news, that guy likes the girl I use to be cool with&live by and it’s the girl we argued about that asked him out on a dare by her friend and he mentioned me LASTLY for the reason he said no to her.

Good news, I don’t think she’ll like him.

Bad news, I don’t know that for sure.

And it&#8217;s not even that he broke my heart that I&#8217;m mad about, it&#8217;s because he just says sorry in the most meaningless way. Like he still doesn&#8217;t know what he caused. But he&#8217;s saying sorry because it seems like the right words to say. And the part I hate the most, is that he said he would never break my heart again on 5-26-12, and he still thinks that he didn&#8217;t break it.

And it’s not even that he broke my heart that I’m mad about, it’s because he just says sorry in the most meaningless way. Like he still doesn’t know what he caused. But he’s saying sorry because it seems like the right words to say. And the part I hate the most, is that he said he would never break my heart again on 5-26-12, and he still thinks that he didn’t break it.

I gotta watch this movie again. Soon.

I gotta watch this movie again. Soon.

We use to be at least.

We use to be at least.